For years, I chased money. Not the essence of money, but the physical representation of what millions believe money to be.
For years, I would move from one job to another because the “money was better”, and I believed that if I was making more money, I would be happy.
Such was not the case.
In December 2010, I saw the date, June 30, 2011, in my mind.
I knew it was significant… little did I know how significant that vision would become.
Prior to this vision, I had been feeling an ever-increasing uneasiness in regards to my place of employment. Where I was was no longer where I wanted to be. Something wasn’t “right”, and the dissonance was becoming unbearable.
At the time, I was assisting a well-known “spiritual” entrepreneur, yet I was completely unhappy.
The environment did not feel spiritual. There were so many lies. The public mask did NOT match what was experienced behind-the-scenes.
On the surface, I was all smiles. Yet, underneath it all, I wanted out.
I wanted to get away BIG TIME!
I no longer wanted to absorb her emotional pain. It was heavy and unrelenting in its grasp. I was also conflicted because I didn’t want to leave or abandon her.
SIDEBAR: I used to take on what other people didn’t want to face within themselves. It has been a long road, and I have remembered that this behavior does not serve anyone’s purpose.
She was someone who needed her circle to function based on her terms. I knew all too well her response whenever things were not done her way.
So, I stayed… out of fear.
I was afraid of losing my wages (because I was very close to doing 6 figures when I had my vision), and I was afraid of hurting her feelings and abandoning her.
Doubt also set up shop.
I became very doubtful that I would be good enough to do what I really wanted to do for a living.
I remember being at her home, having lunch on her balcony, which overlooked the Pacific Ocean, when I mentioned that I wanted to get a distributorship of the very popular magazine, Natural Awakenings. Instead of being supportive, what I heard was “How are you going to support me?
In that moment, I realized that as long as I did not have any aspirations… I was of value to her.
My self-talk then became an endless loop of “can’t”, “don’t even think about it”, and “who are you to do this work?”
Thankfully, the Divinity in me had other plans that would kick fear and doubt in their naughty bits. At least, that’s how I saw it going down. 😉
Slowly, I pulled away.
Still doing the work, yet, not “present”. It was how I often handled pending “confrontation”.
My inner people pleaser didn’t want to “rock the boat”. So, I defaulted, and “let nature take its course”.
And it did!
She felt me pulling away and defaulted to her usual setting… by firing me without any conversation with her. She actually had someone else do the dirty deed; someone who had only been with the company for less than 6 weeks.
My thoughts? “What a fucking BITCH! How dare she do this to ME?!?!?”
However, through my anger (hurt and subsequent relief), I knew something better was in the works.
And true to my vision, June 30 was, indeed, my last day working for her.
What I wanted had manifested then… panic set in.
I had been so focused on what I did not want that I failed to prepare myself for the occurrence of its opposite… what I did want. I had been given a date to which I did not pay much attention.
Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!
I found myself stuck between a rock and “be careful what you wish for; you just might get it”!
Much to my chagrin, an immense sense of grief decided to join an already depressing party.
I grieved the loss of a cord that had outlived a purpose.
So, now what?
Much to my chagrin (again), the Wheel of Fortune was not done turning because Divinity continued to take a giant 4×4 to my life!
It was challenging!
Correction! It f**kin’ sucked!
Nine months later… I would birth the end to another working relationship.
I severed ties from another client (who had partnered with that former client), and I did so without a word.
I no longer wanted to be connected to that woman, so I defaulted… and simply walked away.
SIDEBAR: I am SO sorry for how I handled my departure. You deserved more from me.
At this point, I was fucking exhausted.
I felt lost.
I felt hopeless.
If, like me, you are a fan of The Princess Bride, you will understand when I say that I felt like I was imprisoned in the Pit of Despair.
Interestingly though… I had wanted something so intensely that I had lost sight of the energy and emotion I had been placing on that desire.
I was now experiencing what happens when I am not mindful of my energy.
I then did the only thing I knew to do… I reviewed my life (up to that point).
I was reminded of Mrs. Bucket (pronounced, Bouquet in her mind) from the British comedy, Keeping Up Appearances.
I saw how too often I too had been wearing masks in order to fit in and be seen as someone other than who I truly was.
I was faking it, and so NOT fuckin’ making it!
Since all life is a mirror, I then began the process of taking ownership of all the times I was talking the talk, and not walking it.
After all, this is what, and who, had been reflected back to me.
Divinity continued to sever ties throughout 2012 and 2013, and I felt (emotionally) unprepared for everything that would unfold.
I was scared out of my mind! Yet, I knew I needed to trust the process.
I needed to “let go, and let God” do its thing through my life. (Trusting was not always an easy thing for me.)
So, from mid-March 2013 until February 2, 2014, I took the time to do some much-needed inner work. I also did not work for anyone during this time.
What I discovered, or uncovered, was a life that was full and fun. Since work was no longer a major focal point, I was able to focus on activities that made me feel good.
Through it all, I still maintained a life for my son and me on “next to nothing”.
I had spent so many years believing we would starve or be homeless if I did not work myself to the bone and bear other people’s burdens but this was not the case! I had not worked… we did not starve… and we did not become homeless!
Like Gloria Gaynor, I not only survived… I began to thrive! My life had actually become better as a result of me stepping out of my own way!
What a delicious epiphany (or DOH moment)!
This “time away from it all” gave me the space to change my default setting, and during this time, I was also able to heal many of the layers I had in regards to my relationship with money.
It became something I no longer needed to pursue.
Instead of panicking whenever my balances got below what I considered acceptable, I stopped and gave thanks for what was there.
I stopped and gave thanks for being in the black; no matter the amount.
I also found my voice.
Although, I am still working through many “kinks in the chain”, I speak my mind more freely these days.
I also began moving through those ignored repressed layers that, for years, had been plaguing me.
The biggest layer was my fear of how people thought of me whenever I spoke up.
SIDEBAR: Some people still do not appreciate my blatant honesty… and that is on them.
Fortunately, the grip of this fear is not as strong as it once was, as I know I simply cannot please everybody… nor do I want to do so.
“What you think of me is none of my business.”
~ Terry Cole-Whittaker
I can finally hear her name and see her face without being overcome with intense emotion or cringing. (#StillAWorkInProgress)
I know this is not the case for her because she continues to speak ill of me whenever someone brings up my name in conversation with her. What I found humorous was that the people, within her circle, who told me… only talked to me after she had done the same to them.
No longer my “problem”.
Anyhoo, I am at peace with where I am, and where I have journeyed.
I have chosen to experience the fullness of life by learning from the mirrors that crossed my path.
The work I now do has shifted from “What’s in it for me?” since those were the kind of people to whom I kept crossing paths to “What’s in it for us?”
I am very conscious about the people I support these days, for I am only interested in working with people who are aligned with “What’s in it for us?” . (And I envision a world where all beings live by this empowering question.)
It is my highest intention that my story will help you to step into your power, confidently stand your ground, choose what is in alignment with you, and release anyone, and everything, that is not!
Also, know that whenever someone “cuts you from their life” a favor is being done in your honor because cords were never meant to bind.